and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?