Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
