If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.