I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
