And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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