The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.