I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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