Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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