pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
