Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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