I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
