hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
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