I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
