I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
So much Jack, so little girl.
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