I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Randomize
