my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
