If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
