Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
