I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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