Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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