I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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