Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just invented taco cereal.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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