I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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