Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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