I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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