i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
