Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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