If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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