Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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