He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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