She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
