when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
where are my eyebrows?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
