Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
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