aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
