she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
