new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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