this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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