I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
