I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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