she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize