What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
