if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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