the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
