forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
