you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
