I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
