I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
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Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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