Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
