I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
