Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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