I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
