I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
