I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
