I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
