By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
