apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
