Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Is Oprah even human
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
