1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
