The maid of honor just puked.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
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i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
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I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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