I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
