Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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